i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
