Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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