I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
