as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
