Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
