Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
