Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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