and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
