dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Shame - the story of my life.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
