There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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