Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
