I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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