highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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