it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
