no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
