I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
