I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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