this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
