You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
