We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
