Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
