Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
