Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Randomize
