I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
