Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
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