So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
