My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
