My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
