i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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