I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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