Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
