mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
