I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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