is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
