I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
