she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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