One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
