I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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