watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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