Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
