Porn is love you can see.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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