Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
