my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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