Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
