she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
