I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
