He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
