3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
