Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
