I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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