Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
