well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
